Just before splitting, I’ve been trying to stuff myself with New York City. A few shows, then Wigfield last saturday night, with Steven Colbert, Paul Dinello and my only persevering celebrity crush, Amy Sedaris. (i am generally a pretty even-tempered person when i encounter art or entertainment that rubs up against my personal pursuits. i refrain from jealousy quite easily, and i have been glad to find only inspiration in both excellent and excremental plays/movies/films/books. however, wigfield made me genuinely envious. it’s at once very smart and distasteful. i was really caught up in the way characters toyed with language. for example, “if there’s one thing i love about wigfield, it’s two things…” it was like watching some unrealized, never-conceived personal project executed more precisely than my current skill set would allow. it was great, even though i bled a little.)
Last night I lucked out with one of the best meals I’ve had in this city for months. (i will not press my luck by eating out again, at least until i return.) Each bite was better than the last, and at one point dancing broke out in the restaurant. Individuals from two separate, unrelated tables rose suddenly and joined for salsa steps. That’s quality dining.
Then today I taped something for an upcoming show on [A MAJOR CABLE NETWORK THAT WILL PROBABLY NOT SUE ME FOR USING ITS NAME BUT I CANNOT HELP MYSELF ANYWAY]. I’m still not sure how or why I was recommended but the experience was odd, fun. I showed up in a wool blazer and glasses – my NY JEW disguise – but had to remove the jacket since I was sweating like a child molestor. I was buffed (and rebuffed!) with powder by a camera operator named “biz” (of course) and then, once the gleam was cut from my tremendous forehead, I talked my ass off for a full hour. A producer fed me questions about famous television commercial jingles and I stammered pleasantly until something kind of funny came out. Here’s an example…
On SLINKYs: “Can I have some more water?”
On the DIET PEPSI commercial with Ray Charles: “BLIND! BLIND! BLIND GUY!!! OK, was that funny?”
On MY BUDDY: “Don’t they make those for adults now?”
On the MENTOS commercials: “These are instructional. They show us what life is really like in Norway. Or Denmark. Or Iceland. Or Weirdville.”
On ‘COKE IS IT’: “Can Biz buff me again?”
And so on. I’m certain, when it airs later this summer, my hour will be cut down to a quick shot of me wiping sweat from my upper lip as “The best part of waking up is Folger’s in your cup” plays in the background. Then they’ll cut to Hal Sparks doing an impression of the Oscar Mayer Bologna kid and the day will officially be saved.
A lot of fun before I sleep, but right now: CAT FOOD. And lots of it.*
*this is why i don’t discuss my personal life online. it would be mostly talk of cats, baldness and upset stomachs. right now, everyone i know who reads tremble.com is nodding a head, possibly even their own.