A little while back, I linked to a back-page humor piece I contributed to for RADAR Magazine: “100 Reasons You’re Still Single.” I also mentioned I’d try to dig up my full list of contributions, and post them here as a kind of addendum to the piece. One person cared, and to the one person I say this: Here you go. (They asked us to come up with ideas that were “relate-able” and I did try to do that, and mixed them in with ideas that were maybe a little less universal, but made me laugh. Also, Lisa helped me with a couple, and gave me the raw materials to think of a couple more.)
– Have a daily “to do” list with only two items: “whale on abs” and “punish delts”
– Have less body hair than your last three girlfriends
– Pepper your conversation with words like “manscaping,” “Bennifer,” “celebutante” and “blogosphere”
– Have a five o’clock shadow, on your ass
– Are the captain of the Duke lacrosse team
– Collect ninja throwing stars
– Wear your karate gi on dates
– Hang a samurai sword in your cubicle
– Insist on calling your enormous collection of “Spawn” action figures “a good investment.”
– Keep referring to your penis as “Da Mayor”
– Have only three MySpace friends, and one of them is “Saw III: The Original Motion Picture Soundtrack”
– Posed shirtless in your MySpace profile picture
– Have actively solicited friends to add you to their MySpace Top 8
– Think it’s cute, after your first night having sex with someone, to sneak into his bathroom with a tube of lipstick and write “WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF AIDS” on the mirror
– Wear “month of the year” panties
– Constantly bring your work home with you, and you’re a proctologist
– Begin stories with “I swear I’m not a stalker but…”
– Choose the fist bump as your preferred method of greeting, and always insist the other person “lock it in”
– Eat dinner with an arm guarding your plate, like a death row convict
– Call your therapist from the office, on speakerphone
– Keep telling women “I’m just looking for that special someone to replace my therapist, cleaning woman, and dominatrix.”
– Have a “Peeing Calvin” decal on your headboard / on your office window / on your Prius
– Cruise around town on a Razor Scooter
– Refuse to stop wearing that “World’s Greatest Rapist” baseball cap
– Have the names of six different women tattooed on your arm, with icons next to each one indicating whether they were a “psycho”, “lesbo” or “cheating whore.”
– Were featured in three different Girls Gone Wild DVDs
– Have a dangerously high Thetan count
– Constantly brag about your participation in a charity run for “titty cancer”
– Have more than zero stuffed animals on your bed
– Jokingly refer to your Blackberry as a “Crackberry” and Target as “Tar-Jay”
– Constantly remind people that you don’t have a television
– Make your point in an argument by saying, “I think Carlos Mencia said it best…”
– Have ever responded to someone by saying, “that’s so typical for a Sagittarius”
– Made your own bong
– Invite people over to watch you get your pet iguana high
– Use the word “funky” to describe absolutely everything but music
– Own an actual Steve Miller Band album instead of “Greatest Hits”
– List your occupation as “Cam Girl”
– Are saving yourself…for the Lord
– Use Febreze in place of detergent, deodorant, and conditioner
– Think you’re a “Miranda” when you’re obviously a “Samantha”
– Contribute to political discussions by stating that more people voted for American Idol than in the last Presidential election
– Own fannypacks for every season
– Purchased your dining room set using “Marlboro Points”
– Think having a “cool sense of fashion” means dressing exactly like Neo in The Matrix
– Own a 60″ flat screen Plasma television, a $3,000 stereo system, and you sleep on a broken futon
– Have taken at least one cell phone picture of your own bowel movement
– Celebrate Halloween in your office every year by shaving your head and wearing yellow contact lenses and custom-made Nosferatu fangs
– Think there is no difference between being “confident” and being “an insufferable douchebag”
