WHY YOU’RE STILL SINGLE (DIRECTOR’S CUT)

A little while back, I linked to a back-page humor piece I contributed to for RADAR Magazine: “100 Reasons You’re Still Single.” I also mentioned I’d try to dig up my full list of contributions, and post them here as a kind of addendum to the piece. One person cared, and to the one person I say this: Here you go. (They asked us to come up with ideas that were “relate-able” and I did try to do that, and mixed them in with ideas that were maybe a little less universal, but made me laugh. Also, Lisa helped me with a couple, and gave me the raw materials to think of a couple more.)

- Have a daily “to do” list with only two items: “whale on abs” and “punish delts”

- Have less body hair than your last three girlfriends

- Pepper your conversation with words like “manscaping,” “Bennifer,” “celebutante” and “blogosphere”

- Have a five o’clock shadow, on your ass

- Are the captain of the Duke lacrosse team

- Collect ninja throwing stars

- Wear your karate gi on dates

- Hang a samurai sword in your cubicle

- Insist on calling your enormous collection of “Spawn” action figures “a good investment.”

- Keep referring to your penis as “Da Mayor”

- Have only three MySpace friends, and one of them is “Saw III: The Original Motion Picture Soundtrack”

- Posed shirtless in your MySpace profile picture

- Have actively solicited friends to add you to their MySpace Top 8

- Think it’s cute, after your first night having sex with someone, to sneak into his bathroom with a tube of lipstick and write “WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF AIDS” on the mirror

- Wear “month of the year” panties

- Constantly bring your work home with you, and you’re a proctologist

- Begin stories with “I swear I’m not a stalker but…”

- Choose the fist bump as your preferred method of greeting, and always insist the other person “lock it in”

- Eat dinner with an arm guarding your plate, like a death row convict

- Call your therapist from the office, on speakerphone

- Keep telling women “I’m just looking for that special someone to replace my therapist, cleaning woman, and dominatrix.”

- Have a “Peeing Calvin” decal on your headboard / on your office window / on your Prius

- Cruise around town on a Razor Scooter

- Refuse to stop wearing that “World’s Greatest Rapist” baseball cap

- Have the names of six different women tattooed on your arm, with icons next to each one indicating whether they were a “psycho”, “lesbo” or “cheating whore.”

- Were featured in three different Girls Gone Wild DVDs

- Have a dangerously high Thetan count

- Constantly brag about your participation in a charity run for “titty cancer”

- Have more than zero stuffed animals on your bed

- Jokingly refer to your Blackberry as a “Crackberry” and Target as “Tar-Jay”

- Constantly remind people that you don’t have a television

- Make your point in an argument by saying, “I think Carlos Mencia said it best…”

- Have ever responded to someone by saying, “that’s so typical for a Sagittarius”

- Made your own bong

- Invite people over to watch you get your pet iguana high

- Use the word “funky” to describe absolutely everything but music

- Own an actual Steve Miller Band album instead of “Greatest Hits”

- List your occupation as “Cam Girl”

- Are saving yourself…for the Lord

- Use Febreze in place of detergent, deodorant, and conditioner

- Think you’re a “Miranda” when you’re obviously a “Samantha”

- Contribute to political discussions by stating that more people voted for American Idol than in the last Presidential election

- Own fannypacks for every season

- Purchased your dining room set using “Marlboro Points”

- Think having a “cool sense of fashion” means dressing exactly like Neo in The Matrix

- Own a 60″ flat screen Plasma television, a $3,000 stereo system, and you sleep on a broken futon

- Have taken at least one cell phone picture of your own bowel movement

- Celebrate Halloween in your office every year by shaving your head and wearing yellow contact lenses and custom-made Nosferatu fangs

- Think there is no difference between being “confident” and being “an insufferable douchebag”

BRAG BOARD

Here are a couple of things I’ve recently worked on, instead of writing fascinating slice-of-life stories for this world wide website:

I was a correspondent on WNYC’s “Fair Game” last week. It all happened very fast, and it was the first time I’ve ever recorded something live, relatively cold, and while I think I only did an OK job on it, it was a nonetheless thrilling experience. Yes, I just called public radio thrilling. Shut up. You weren’t there, jerk. Anyway, when we have time I’ll tell you more about it. For now, you can hear it right here.

RADAR MAGAZINE’s “Summer of Meh.” Believe it or not, RADAR Magazine did not think this past summer was awesome. I contributed to this group complain-a-thon, with a brief item about The Two Coreys.

Homepage photo: Lindsey Byrnes
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