I’ve lived in Park Slope for almost 9 years now, and I’ve seen more than my share of Stoop Sales, and their supporting advertisements. It’s time for a moratorium. The following words and phrases can no longer be used to advertise your stoop sale:
- STOOPENDOUS
- STOOPTACULAR
- STOOP RIGHT UP
- STOOP IN THE NAME OF LOVE
- STOOP…THERE IT IS! (Or its occasional, sell-heavy variant, STOOP…HERE IT IS!)
- STOOP TO CONQUER (Frankly, I’m not even sure what this means, and neither are you. So please stop it.)
- STOOPID SALE (You want to make them like you, Roger.)
- CD Tower (Too bourgeois)
- IKEA [ANYTHING] (As a general rule, you should never sell anything by IKEA second-hand. The only advantage to owning second-hand IKEA furniture is saving the hours of frustration and pain in which you, armed only with an Allen wrench and a dilettante’s understanding of home improvement, try to assemble a six-foot cubbyhole unit in a three foot by four foot clearing of unevenly laid apartment flooring. This single advantage, however, is greatly outweighed by the many disadvantages of owning used IKEA furniture, chiefly – the furniture is practically garbage right out of the box. So imagine its value after five years of casual use. Throw your VLÖÖRT out, and let the hobos at it.)
- knick-knacks (This might as well say, “fish around in a cardboard box filled with unmatched single baby shoes & Christmas ornaments from Pizza Hut.)
Additionally, you should be legally forced to specify the titles of the books available at your stoop sale if your collection contains any of the following items:
- outdated computer training manuals that are more than five years old
- outdated “do it yourself” books on filing your taxes, if the book is more than ten years old
- Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar – and only because everyone in Brooklyn already owns a used paperback copy of this. In fact, I don’t think any new copies of The Bell Jar even exist any longer. The book is now distributed exclusively through stoop sales, used book stores, and police evidence files from recent teenage girl suicides.)
- ‘Scuse Me While I Kiss This Guy
- anything by R.L. Stine, Louis L’Amour, Donald Trump, or William Shatner
Finally, lest you think these instructions are all prohibitive, I would like to add that any of the following words and phrases can officially be introduced into stoop sale advertising, effective immediately:
- WHO MADE A STOOPIE?
- YOU GOT STOOPED, BITCH
- STOOP THERAPY
- IN A GADDA DA STOOPA
- AIN’T NO HALF-STOOPIN’
- SPERM BATH – 2 DAYS ONLY!
- “MY BABY BROKE” CRIB & CLOTHING SALE
- USED BIBLE FOR SALE (DOESN’T WORK)
- I FUCKED ETHAN HAWKE
- BITTER CHILD CUSTODY BATTLE SALE
- FREE SIPS
And a hundred thousand way funnier things!!!!
