I think it’s great that the front-page sniper news coverage has distracted regular folks like me from the impending messiness of a war with Iraq. (or, as CNN is packaging it already, “The Showdown in Iraq”. thanks, guys.) And now, with the most recent arrest of a man and his sleeping, 17 year-old male companion in association with the sniper murders, the ante has officially been upped. I’m sure at this very moment there is at least one executive in Hollywood screaming into his speakerphone, “Get me the best Jew writer you can find. I want a script fedexed to me by the end of the week. Something with this whole sniper and baby-sniper angle. Like A Perfect World but more current, more homoerotic. DON’T LET GRAZER AND HOWARD BEAT US TO THIS ONE OR I’LL MAKE YOU WISH YOU WERE ABORTED!!!”
When the first tarot card was made public and the message, “I am God”, spread like blood across every easily compromised news source in America, I think we were all fairly chilled. The killings were surely mysterious, but no one wanted it to be quite this dramatic, this gothic. However, when news was leaked that the sniper(s) wanted hard cash to stop the killings, all of the mystery drained out of the case for me. Is God this hard up for money? In following the case, I have become increasingly disappointed as more notes from the killer have been made public. Most recent was this one, hidden inside a tree hollow, on World Wrestling Entertainment stationery:
Dear Cops,
What’s happening? It’s God again. Just wondering how that whole money thing was coming along. No rush. It’s just that one of my angels wanted a motorcycle for his birthday and I was thinking of getting Mrs. God’s titties done this winter and, honestly, that money sure would come in handy right around now. Sorry to be a pain about it.
I would leave an address for drop-offs but you know, I don’t think FedEx makes deliveries to heaven…yet. (ha ha. that’s just some God humor. jk!) I will be in touch with further instructions. In summary: I am God; need cash; will kill again; blah blah blah.
Buy American,
God
P.S. Sorry about the stationery. I ran out of ominous tarot cards to write on, and all I had left was “hierophant” and “temperance.” I will try to get more cards when I have some extra cash. (hint!)
