As my holiday gift to other upstart film critics, looking to shake things up with an oblique, pithy assessment of a film they probably haven’t even seen, I submit the following public-domain reviews of Master & Commander: The Far Side of the World.
- See sick.
- Ship wreck.
- Naut good.
- More anchor, less stanker.
- Interminable naval gazing.
- Crowe’s messed.
- Man over-bored.
- Shallow end.
- Crap-sized.
- Ketch it on cable.
- Shit’s ahoy!
- Too many buoys.
- Sea suck.
- Unfathomable.
- Mizzenmast? More like Snoozin-fast!!
- Peter Weir should keel himself.
- You’ll heave, ho.
- Headstay, mind wander.
- A hollow vessel full of bland seamen.
- Master & Commander teaches us we’ve been wrong all along. The world IS flat.
