Last night I told a joke for the first and last time. For one thing, the topic is sort of timely – it’s about the new HBO cowboy drama, “Deadwood” – and I try not to write jokes about current events because there are other people who are much better suited for that, and much better at it. The other reason I will never tell the joke again is that it is possibly one of the dumbest jokes I’ve ever written in my entire life. But you’re lucky, because now it will live shamefully FOREVER on this site.

The show “Deadwood” could be just as easily named “The High Falutin’ Adventures of the Cursing Cowboys.” Every other word of dialogue on this show is “titfucker”, “cock-gobbler”, and “pussy-grabber” – and that’s just the horses talking. (pause for deafening silence, followed by the rustle of arms folding across chests and the faint hum of indignation.)

The concept is really interesting. The creators have taken a real, historical Old West town and populated it with just about every legendary cowboy figure ever created, whether they were residents of that town or not. In the first episode alone, we get to meet Wild Bill Hickock, Charlie Utter, Calamity Jane, Doc Holliday, The Lone Ranger, Ricochet Rabbit, and Waffle-O Bill. (wait patiently as 70% of audience exits theater. drink nervously from volvic water bottle, and continue…)

It seems the show’s creators have taken a lot of liberties with both history and the public perception of some of its more colorful characters. I just cannot believe how much they all swear, women and men alike. For instance, I am not a scholar of Old West history, but I’m almost positive that the Lone Ranger never actually said, “Heigh-ho, Jizzbag!” (grimace apologetically after uttering that last line. sensing a disapproving, almost hostile silence, think quick on your feet. after 17 years of tough road work, you know there’s one sure way to win back a distracted crowd. realizing this, you take a step back and execute a perfect chinese split. the crowd erupts in applause and carries you out of the theater on their shoulders, not even bothering to wait for your “retarded meteorologist” bit.)

[I will admit something here that I wish I had admitted last night after telling this horrible joke. I know it’s bad but as I was writing it I kept thinking, “it’s pretty amazing that as a grown adult man I can write down the words “heigh-ho, Jizzbag,” and then, less than two hours later, present them to a live audience as my “art”. It just seemed like such an amazing privilege. This is probably why I need to quit performing comedy right this very minute.]

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