To the Toad-Ally Snax, manufacturers of “ChocZels” flavor-coated chocolate pretzels:
You could have tried a little harder, don’t you think? For instance, once I was asked to write an essay about an imaginary animal based on the combination of two existing animals. If I went with ZebSnake I would have gotten my ass handed to me. But I came up with “Sharktopuss” and guess what? HOME RUN. And I was only in the first grade. All I’m saying is, seriously, “Choczels?”
My friends and I have squandered countless hours, conjuring up names for the bands or companies we’re DEFINITELY going to start up – and good names, too. Names like O.T.M. – Other Than Mexican.
Naturally, none of these projects are ever seen through to fruition. But that’s not my point. My point is this: whether we have the drive to create the product or not, we know the name is ESSENTIAL. That’s branding, something I guess a company called Toad Ally Snax would not know much about. We put the time in. Meanwhile, you have access to production, design, distribution, marketing, etc. and you put all that work in, just to get behind a product named ChocZels. FOR SHAME.
Oh wait. I just found a transcription of your brand meeting where you sat down to come up with a name of your new flavor-coated chocolate pretzels. Here it is:
TIME STAMP: June 13, 2004 12:08:15
Stan Hollinger (VP Sales): Let’s see here. Is everyone on the call?
[muffled sound of twenty-five voices, at various distances from Mr. Hollinger. several conferenced in on speaker phone.]
Hollinger: OK, great. So, whatta we got? These flavor-coated chocolate pretzels go into production in three weeks.
Ty Reynolds (Creative Director): Well, first please understand that we just found out about this product this morning and…
Hollinger: Fine, fine. Let’s not waste any more of our time. Dazzle me, Ty!
Reynolds: OK, so, um, here’s the first one [sound of poster board being shuffled]: PretzOcolates.
Hollinger: LOVE IT!
[murmurs of approval]
Richard Vestry (VP Flavor-Coating): Just curious, Ty. Got anything else?
Reynolds: OK, yeah, sure. We do have one more…I guess.
[murmurs of approval. unrec. voice mutters, “that’s why he gets the big bucks,” followed by a round of hearty laughter from several white men.]
Hollinger: Shoot. Do it. Hit me. Fuck me up with it, Ty. Right in the nuts. Gimme gimme gimme.
Reynolds: Uh…we kinda flipped this one around. ChocZels?
Hollinger: LOVE IT MORE!
[sound of “choczels” being run off assembly line and air-dropped into existentially sad office complexes and mexican grocers.]
Good day, sirs.
(Incidentally, with regards to my recent creative block and inability to discern what is funny to others vs. what is funny to me…I think “PretzOcolates,” when said aloud, might be the funniest thing I’ve ever written.)
