I saw the trailer for Adam Sandler’s new movie, Click, which is about a shlubby, henpecked guy who gets a super-magical remote control with a genie inside (played by Shaquille O’Neal) that gives him the power to point at boobies and make them jiggle faster or slower. In other words, it gives him the greatest powers any human being can ever possibly imagine. This must have been a confusing movie to pitch! IT’S SO COMPLICATED.
The trailer was, predictably, AMAZING. But I was surprised the trailer was conspicuously missing the following scene, some variation of which surely must occur repeatedly during the course of the film:
SCENE: ADAM SANDLER’S DRIVEWAY, AFTERNOON
An ANNOYING AND UPTIGHT NEIGHBOR is dressing down Adam Sandler.
ANNOYING AND UPTIGHT NEIGHBOR
And another thing! Your dog keeps crapping on my lawn. I think it’s about time you showed some respect for people other than yourself.
ADAM SANDLER REACHES INTO THE WAISTBAND OF HIS SWEATPANTS AND REMOVES A LARGE, BRIGHT BLUE REMOTE CONTROL AND POINTS IT AT HIS NEIGHBOR
ADAM SANDLER
Why don’t you shut your mouth?
ANNOYING UPTIGHT NEIGHBOR
What are you doing?
C.U.: Adam Sandler’s finger pressing the remote’s “mute” button.
C.U.: Neighbor’s mouth, speaking rapidly without any sound coming on. Neighbor stops speaking and:
CUT TO: Adam Sandler clicks “mute” button again.
AUN
Did you hear what I was saying? Because I was asking you why you were pointing a large, blue remote control at me in the middle of our argument. What’s going on there?
ADAM SANDLER
Um…what remote?
AUN
Are you kidding me? I saw you pull a large, bright blue remote control out of your pants, point it at me, and press a button. Then, immediately afterwards, I noticed I couldn’t hear any sound coming out of my mouth while I was speaking. And, weirder still, you were smiling the whole time which would be odd considering the fact that I was calling you a self-centered cocksucker. Then, you pointed the remote at me again, pushed the same button, and suddenly I can hear myself talk. So, I’ll ask you again: what’s going on there? Why are you pointing a remote control at me? And why do you even have a remote control in your pants, out here in your driveway?
ADAM SANDLER
Um…
AUN
Let me see it. Is it magical? Is that some kind of magical remote?
ADAM SANDLER
Erm…
AUN
I’m calling the police. You are a menace, and I will never forget this. You’re worse than my last neighbor, Bruce Almighty.
