A few weeks ago, I had some pretty harsh words for Manhattan-based coffee haus, Macchiato. It was then brought to my attention that Macchiato may not have the finest coffee, but they possess a secret weapon: fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies.

Now I am nothing if not fair and thorough, particularly with regards to investigating baked goods. So, in the interest of promoting justice and balance in my final assessment of Macchiato, I visited this afternoon and purchased an iced coffee and a chocolate chip cookie. The coffee was weak and bitter–ring a bell, ARBITRARILY CHOSEN EX-GIRLFRIEND?–and, as usual, there was no liquid sugar to numb the pain. Then I took a bite of the (still warm) cookie and damn, Macchiato. Damn. You may have lost the coffee war with Joe but you just carpet-bombed those hippies cookie-wise. Eating a Joe’s vegan chocolate and peanut butter cookie (not as bad as you’d think, but almost) is like having your tonsils scraped when compared to the homemade dripping sweetness of these Macchiato chocolate chip-flavored ecstasy pills. Joe, I totally support our cookie troops but sometimes the only way to really show support is to demand they be removed from combat and sent home, providing “home” is a dumpster behind Grand Central Station. Sorry, guys. We can still meet for lattes, right?

Macchiato’s cookies are small, too, which is good because so many places overdo it with cookie size. I’m a grown-up; I should be able to dwarf my cookie, size-wise. Giant cookies make me feel like a very tall infant. It’s like walking around with one of those big swirly lollipops: “Gangway, everyone! It’s num-num time and I need plenty of room to enjoy my cookie reward!”

If these chocolate chip cookies have one downside–which they don’t, and I should slap you for ever suggesting such a thing–it’s that they’ve left me feeling very confused about Macchiato. How did this cold, heartless robot learn so much about love? And does that mean we can all learn to love, too? Macchiato is officially a conundrum to me. How can a coffee shop be such equal parts ice-veined, Teutonic monster and kindly old lady? Maybe it’s my fault for being confused. After all, Macchiato does represent itself very clearly in its advertising. Take a look:

Great jingle, too.

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