100 SIGNS YOUR COLLEGE IS NOT PRESTIGIOUS

This month’s RADAR features the latest “RADAR 100″ list–Signs Your College Is Not Prestigious. I’m really happy with the way this one turned out. The full list is available online and, if you purchase the magazine, it also appears as a full-sized, pull-out poster suitable for dorm rooms. I think this might be my first “poster” writing credit.

I wanted to include some items from my list that didn’t make the cut but, honestly, this time around the editors actually picked most of my favorite ones. (And a few others I didn’t remember writing but in fact had.) Still, there were a few that slipped through the cracks, like:

  • Term papers graded on Hustler’s “five penis” ratings system
  • Graduation robes have “GOLDEN-PALACE.COM” printed on the back
  • The essay question on your enrollment application was, “What would you do for a Klondike bar?”
  • Your alumni newsletter has a “casual encounters” section
  • The alma mater has a twelve-minute guitar solo
  • Hanging in the dean’s office is an oil painting of Mahatma Ghandi beating off into a sweatsock
  • Hanging in the dean’s office is a oil painting of Benjamin Franklin using a glory hole
  • Campus shooter accidentally left his gun on safety
  • Figure drawing classes have a clearly posted “no touching” policy
  • Every diploma has a piece of gum inside
  • Your Semiotics professor insists on being called “Big Worm”
  • You were enrolled on a Halfbright grant

(And, though RADAR used “Your school mascot is a tiger in a wheelchair,” I had also included a few alternate mascots I kind of liked: “An eagle wearing a safety helmet” and “Calvin taking a whizz on the Harvard crest”)

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