This season’s Top Chef has the distinction of having the contestant with the deadest eyes (Jeff) as well as the contestant with the craziest eyes in the history of the show. (Carla)

I wasn’t able to find any photographs online of Jeff speaking directly to the camera, because he is a dracula monster whose filmed image disappears at sunrise. I can, however, tell you this: hearing Jeff speak of his passion for cooking in that uninflected, unblinking robo-speak is exactly like watching an imprisoned serial murderer detachedly recount the grisly details his crimes. Jeff is Top Chef’s B.L.T. Killer. (HUGE APPLAUSE) He’s the Hannibal Lecter of cooking things that aren’t people’s faces. (STANDING OVATION) He’s John Wayne Gravy! (DEVELOPMENT DEAL WITH NBC) The Zodiac Griller! (ENOUGH! OK? ENOUGH!!) Jeff has dead eyes.

But even if Jeff were talking about preparing a meal with fava beans and a nice Chianti (an incredibly obscure film reference – METACRITIC IT!) it would not be nearly as scary as his ocular opposite, Carla:

Oh man, quit it. If eyes are indeed the windows to the soul (I made that up but it has an inherent truth to it, no?), then Carla’s eyes should have iron bars on them and be made up unbreakable plexiglas just in case Carla’s soul tries to smash its head against it. Also, Carla’s soul should have its shoelaces and belt confiscated. There are other jokes I could make but, seriously, mental illness is a real disease and diseases are not funny. (With the exception of Spina Bifida, which is only funny in name, and not at all funny in many other ways.) Carla has an intensely nervous energy. She actually seems to vibrate when she speaks. At one point in the last episode, one of the judges mentioned that Carla made her uncomfortable when she was giving an on-camera cooking demo. I wonder what could have made her uncomfortable? Was it the fact that Carla was having a little trouble finishing her demo on time? Or maybe it had something to do with her being a six-foot eight electric eel in a fright wig whose eyeballs are so large they press up against the lenses of her glasses? Seriously:


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